Tuesday, December 29, 2009
starting to see some light
At the gossip table today, 5 guys and 1 me.
We were sharing some relationship ideas and tips.
Then I realised how inadequate I am as a girlfriend can be.
If there is a girlfriend scale, I will score very low.
In terms of short messages, mine always short, straightforward and almost emotionless.
Worst of all, sometimes no reply.
In terms of....
To cut it short, the feeling is overwhelming.
I am starting to assess myself, thinking it is all my fault to begin with.
A not good enough girlfriend?
The Lady Vampire
8:11 AM
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Pretending
I have been pretending that everything is alright.
But in fact, nothing is!
When something is not going well, I feel crappily tired.
Sleeping is my way of escaping from reality I guess.
Has always been that case.
I feel like a nobody.
The ever so low confidence.
It's a long forgotten feeling but it found its way back to me.
Nobody.
The Lady Vampire
12:45 PM
Friday, December 18, 2009
Do you really think you can look into our future and tell me that we will not be the ones who would get married in years down the road?
When nobody can even say for sure that he'll survive the next year, you are telling me this?
You will regret it.
The Lady Vampire
8:31 PM
Monday, December 07, 2009
Exams ended last week.
Been busy since then.
Friday, volunteer day camp.
Saturday and Sunday, mumbo's OLIP.
Olip (minus the final activity of OLIP) was great.
Our goup hitched 5 rides.
Lorries and mini buses.
Everything is great except for a thing.
Relationship.
Well, I asked him what's happening to the cool down period already.
He said we are getting from bad to worse, it's not going anywhere.
Even though if I am willing to do anything to make it right, I guess he is not.
I don't know what's in for us now.
Right now, all that is keeping us together is work (Mumbo and ultimate projects).
I've got a friend whom I spoke to after my previous blog entry.
He told me that what JW meant was actually to find himself back as he is worried that he lost himself after getting into a relationship.
I thought it made sense.
But now it seems like he is adjusting himself back to his single life.
It is time I do the same soon.
Well, all the "I love you" bullshit from him was bullshit indeed.
I should have realised.
It's always for the company and the fun.
Was it a mistake to fall in love?
Maybe not.
All the happy times that occurred was wonderful.
Everything just has to come to an end.
There's nothing much more to say.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I am feeling to neutral to be true.
Numb? Maybe.
The Lady Vampire
2:15 AM
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Today is Day 4
Day 1:
I don't remember what happened.
All I recall was an argument.
You've told me that the person I knew before is not the real you,
and you are seeking for the real you right now.
So....
What am I supposed to do again?
I have this strong feeling that you are doing this because
you knew you have gotten my heart and there is no way I will escape from you.
Day 2:
I told myself to break away from you, feel less of you.
When thoughts of our memories came flooding in, I can't do it.
Evey part of you is something I don't want to be missing of.
You smiles, your hands, the way you make me laugh, everything.
You told me how stress you were.
I bet you haven't tried to think how would I feel if you are feeling unbearable already.
I don't know what else to say.
All you have is our relationship to "stress" over.
I have the same stress from the same relationship + the stress that resulted from all the intense studying + the stress from my work and the list goes on....
So tell me again, what are you stressed over?
You told me to study, to concentrate.
Oh boy.
Do not tell me that you are not the one who started affecting me...
Then, we pretended like the Day 1 and 2 didn't happen.
But we both know it did....
Day 3:
I am getting sick of your smses and calls that I don't even bother to notice anymore.
It did tug my heart a little before when I see you totally engrossed in replying messages.
Maybe I'm getting used to it.
I have successfully wrap my entire head around books, notes, lectures, tutorials.
For the whole afternoon, I struggled.
With you within reach, I continue to mask myself.
Pretending I am not feeling what I'm supposed to feel.
Pretending we are living in 28 Nov 2008.
Then, there's a point where I can't take it anymore.
Nothing goes in, nothing comes out.
Nothing.
I can do nothing.
I tried to sleep, I can't.
I'm really really tired.
I want to sleep.
Day 4:
It's 2.28a.m. on the 4th day.
I told myself, I will fight to feel less of you.
I have all the rights to do it because you are not the person you pretended to be.
When I first know you, you are this charming young man.
Now, 3 days ago, you told me that the charming young man is not you.
It's your mask am I right?
Your playing cards?
Play the right cards, get the girl, and let her do all her things on you, just let her hang on there until you get another.
When another comes along, you will tell her how horrible your ex was and how devastated she made you feel.
You will forget the past and repeat the cycle again.
I don't know how i can still think of the good things about you at this time.
All those are not you right?
You said it yourself.
All I can do is cry and cry.
I can't concentrate on anything.
I cannot do it at all.
I tell myself, my life cannot be ruined because of a boyfriend.
A boyfriend!
Since when does a boyfriend matters right?
The Lady Vampire
2:13 AM
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
It has been a long time since I blogged, again.
I am in the midst of this long stretch of exam period.
It's the first time in my university life that exam period stretches more than 2 weeks long!
Well I remember it was only 2 days...
Good thing is, I am able to do more last minute work.
:D
Surprisingly, I have gotten over the stupid stressful feeling.
Seems like I am experiencing some kind of serenity instead.
The joy of learning new things, the wonderful feeling when I actually understood what I am reading!
Not like I haven't been understanding.
It's just that, understanding them whilst skipping lectures during school days?
HA! The feeling is good.
Makes me feel good about myself maybe. :)
Ask me if I am looking forward to exams ending.
Maybe, maybe not!
More fun during holidays definitely.
More work during holidays too.
Presitigio, Mumbo, Ultimate Projects.
I shall stop looking at these responsibilities like they are some kind of liability.
I can't wait for the season of giving!
One more week to go!
Days of fun, joy and laughter awaits...
*loves*
The Lady Vampire
2:57 PM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Seriously, I haven't said he is anything about his actions yet
and he turned around and told me I am inappropriate?
Hello boy, there are many things I didn't say out loud is because I don't want to ruin this relationship.
So whatever you didnt hear is not because you are doing it right.
REMEMBER.
I always coached and believed that game reveals the person you are.
Whatever you displayed yesdterday, disappointing.
SERIOUSLY!
It's the first time someone told me I am being inappropriate and "I give up on you" on the SAME DAY.
Why am I even putting up with all these.
DAMN PISSED.
Mumbo meeting, hope it will all go well.
The Lady Vampire
12:10 PM
